My mom adventures in Fort Collins

Tuesdays bring out the snarkiness in me
February 8, 2012, 6:50 am
Filed under: Family

Well, actually everyday brings out the snarkiness in me. I really try to keep it in check, but I have to unload every once in a while.

Recently, a mommy friend that I am in the process of getting to know said that she envisioned me as the author of The Happiness Project. Now, I haven’t read the book, but I think I’ve heard a bit about it from somewhere (maybe “O” Magazine?). I didn’t know this mother well, so I didn’t fall off the chair laughing, “Ohmygawd, you think I’m happy? And positive and stuff? Really?” Apparently, I have some people fooled.

But today, I’m begging for a short reprieve of any apparent happiness vibe that I give off. I am a happy person. I get convulsions brought on by guilt when I try to complain about my life because I know I have it very, very good. But the real me, who I really am, she is a critical, judgey, sick and twisted meanie. You remember Ouisa from “Steel Magnolias,” right? That’s totally me, only I’m not as old as Shirley MacLaine and I don’t have a bunch of money like she did. I try not to let ol’ Ouisa come out that often, but, oh yeah, she’s out. She’s out.

So, here is what has kept me annoyed today. (The list is brief in terms of items, but long in terms of how completely they have high-jacked my perfectly lovely day by thinking about these things.)

  • A good friend and I shared a morning together with our kids. She is a good friend, and I love her. We dished on a mutual friend, who has bombarded both of  us with her interest in having a natural childbirth. I get it. I too wanted to have a natural childbirth. I too wrote out a birthplan. (Oooh, for more on birthplans, check this post here that a friend of mine posted on facebook–written by an ObGyn called “Dear Patient with a birthplan:”) This friend of mine (not the mutual friend, but the friend I was spending time with–is this getting obnoxious how I’m referencing people?) is much nicer than I am. She takes everything our mutual friend says with a grain of salt, and just sort of giggles about how truly funny her stories are about the life that she (mutual friend this time) is planning with baby. Meanwhile, I have had enough. Everytime mutual friend opens up her mouth, I find her #1 Really arrogant and #2 I take offense that she is so myopic. I feel like she should just wear a shirt around that says, “Everything in my life is turning out exactly the way I planned it. I am awesome.” I really really find myself wanting to sit back and wait and watch my friend (this time, yes, it’s the mutual friend, the one who is currently pregnant with the birthplan) just become a mommy. Just watch as every plan she makes is contorted by a baby who is completely unpredictable. I find myself wishing her endless diaper blowouts on her freshly painted nursery walls, and nights of all-night-nursing that no amount of Lansinoh can soothe. I am really really not a nice person when I have to listen to this woman (the pregnant friend)  talk about her plans. And friend-who-I-spent-the-morning-with even shared a conversation they’d recently had about hypnobirthing. Going on and on about how many women are unprepared for the pain of labor and that’s why they get an epidural, blah blah blabbetyblah. Good gravy, stop TALKING to anyone who has two kids and has pushed two children out of her hoo-ha about the pain of labor and how women could manage it better. That kinda arrogance is enough to make me all twitchy. But I digress.
  • I hate my reliance on my husband to move the kids carseats. Good lord this sounds petty, but it is what it is. I won’t belabor the story by going into the ridiculous details of WHY I rely on him, but this is one of his jobs. He mows the lawn, he is in charge of installing curtain rods, and he is the designated mover of the seats from one car to the other… well, most of the time. I can do it, of course. I just don’t really like to do it. And I prefer that he do it because I have this illogical fear that the one time I do it, we’ll need this thing to actually be installed 100% correctly. In any case, as usual this morning things were running a little behind schedule (Insert Larry David saying: “Pretty, pretty, pretty late.”). And with snow on the road, and an hour ride ahead of us, I asked him (twice, actually): “Do you think I should switch the carseats?” (Side note: we have one car that is AWD, one that is strictly front-wheel drive) And he replied, “I don’t know, let me check the weather. ” Then later, he replied, “Yes, if it were me and I was driving with the kids, I would.” And that’s it. He never even OFFERED to install the carseats. I know, I know, there’s all sorts of things wrong with me crabbing about this in a post, but it’s just silly, right? When he gets off of work at 6 pm, he doesn’t saunter up to me and say, “Do you think a person gets hungry around dinnertime?” and then pause and wait for me to pick up on the fact that I should prepare dinner.  So, not only am I annoyed because I’m late to meet my friend and her kids in Denver, but I also have to switch the carseats, AND I have to be irritated with myself for not just asking him for help when he couldn’t read my mind. Dammit. This prompts an ongoing analysis of the household division of labor, and different things like that. Well, then the ride was snowier than I expected and I sort of forgot about all of this for a while. But man, I am a bloomin’ pathetic communicator.

So, again with the 11th grade composition summary: In conclusion, over-zealous- first-time-parents make me want to poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick, and my annoying communication habits leave me feeling unfulfilled.

Thoughts? Tell me I’m being too hard on my first-time-parent friend! Go on, you know you want to! I’m judgey and mean, and I know it. Or, win my love and affection forever and share a similar story about how you just might kill your bun-not-even-out-of-the-oven friend.


2 Comments so far
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The Happiness Project has a blog too (kind of interesting). Oh, how I relate to the rants. I had some pretty lofty ideas about how this parenting thing would go down (never about epidurals though), and I have been effectively humbled (I hope). My best friend is scheduled for induction today, and I’ve just had to adopt a “let the babies show them how this will go mentality.” 🙂 My husband is in charge of car seat transfer too, and I hate doing it, even though he’s showed me enough times that I think I could do it if I had to. Great post!

Comment by RFL

Yes, I read that you are off to be a good friend and watch the baby come into the world. I like it: “Let the babies show them the way.” I’m totally adopting that.

Comment by jaymers

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